I’m short there is only one human. One human who can do it all for you. One human who has the power to make you and break you. One human for all your needs. That human is?..
I feel like I need you. Even when I need nobody. Funny isn’t it. Funny how you’ll never understand the workings of your own mind. It just tells you what you need, even when you think you don’t need anything.
It’s time to be a little honest. I’ve been somewhat closed up around you because I don’t want to give the impression things can easily be this amazing thing. Wether they can or not isn’t as simple as an old friend popping up and saying hello. It’s not as simple as saying I’ve missed you, I love you or the other things one another say to each other. It’s really okay to miss the people you were the closest to. Even the ones that hurt you. But sometimes you can say it’s their fault because they wronged you or it’s your fault because you wronged them. Sometimes life catches up with people and they drift apart like a piece of beech wood along the shores. I miss a lot about a certain someone but I’d never admit who or what because life has got in the way of us so no words are needed. The last couple of times I saw you I wanted to say a few things back but I shrugged it off because I felt it wasn’t right. I keep my thoughts to myself and carry on like it’s all good but because you know me you know what’s going on with me. I’d never admit it but it’s so nice to see you, hear you, feel you, lay idle with you. Does life keep reconnecting us for a reason? These late night thoughts of memories and what ifs. The dreams of five years from now what different lives we could have. But that doesn’t matter now. Now matters now. I won’t admit it but you know. That’s all that matters. We both know. This isn’t a story of a romantic love. Just a magnetic love with ever switching poles being pulled together by passion and attraction and apart by passion and attraction.
It doesn’t make sense why I think about the things I do. I guess I try to make sense of everything. The people I’ve loved and lost. The family and friends that have passed on. Why I feel sorrow and also happiness at the same time. Why I miss by gone years and always looking ahead to my future. My head is clouded with theories, scenarios and imaginary worlds of how I want life to be. Alternate realities which has myself switching between. The groups of people in my life currently and with those I can’t see. It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything but the fact is this. The blood in me is pure. The heart it pumps through is loving. At the end of each day I know the next will be okay. You’re always with me.
It’s moving day. We’ve finally brought our first home together, picked out the chairs, the table and the TV. Both loved the kitchen so saved a bit of money not changing it. The first night will be strange. I’ll be sleeping here alone. She has things she needs to do early tomorrow so it’s more convenient for her to stay with her mum. I know tonight I’ll order and India or a pizza. But when it comes to bed time being alone I know I’ll be dreaming on something.. someone. It’s been years and years. Yet I’m still linked to you. I don’t know what that means but it feels supernatural. Like my destiny was to be yours. Like I’ve only been yours in this world of has been and could’ve beens. I’m living on a shelf when it came to loving. But you were the future, you were everything. This house was for us but you don’t have a key. She does. Don’t worry I love her. I wouldn’t be with a soul I didn’t love. I’m just stuck between the world I had and the world I have.
There is nothing better to bring a smile to my face than seeing a girl I love in nothing but my tshirt on. Then getting into bed to snuggle. Nothing better.
Did I just mess up. I like her so much. She makes me heart beat fast. I feel warm when I talk to her, almost nervous. Like that moment when you go for your first kiss with someone you really like. Well I like her that much. So we talk everyday and I dream of her every night. I like her pictures, I like everything. I can’t construct sentences properly because I like her that much. Does she like me more than a friend? I doubt it. Does that make me foolish?