I have no means to focus. No reason to get up. I just float. I subtly reach out but never get pulled through. I don’t make a song and dance about it. I watch and take notes. I observe the outside world through the haze of my own world. My safe place. It’s lonely but it’s mine. Come at me emotions. What have you got for me? Another sleepless night on top of the scattered ones I’ve had for months. The odd hour here and there. Or maybe continue to lock up my ability to feel anything without sign of a key.
When will be the right time. I hope it comes sooner than later. I hope it’s more beautiful than I can only imagine. The sweetest feeling in the world is what I dream about. And I dream about the right time. When will be the right time. I have good news about the future. I have estranged news about the present. I have memories of the past. Mementos I store away safely. I only think of the good when I feel this sad. When will be the right time.
Doesn’t matter what we do, where we are or what circumstances we’ve experienced. We always find our way home. That happy warm place. Even if it’s a fly by visit. Home truly is where the heart is.
Been told to show my emotions. Talk about the good, the bad and the everything in between. How can I do that when I don’t want to feel. Because feeling hurts. It’s fucked up. It’s chaos for me. How do I keep myself stable when I can focus. How do I talk the good, bad and everything in between when I can’t talk to those people involved physically? I’m vulnerable. Here’s something I don’t understand. I could’ve had what I wanted but I let what I wanted go. Someone explain that to me. What the fuck am I afraid of? What the fuck is defending me from getting hurt?
Tired. Want a cuddle. Want to walk. Want to talk to a girl. Working with guys all week. Sad. Need to pee. Be in all night.
I’m scared. I’m not afraid to admit it. I need attention but I don’t want anything permanent. I want to come and go. In and out. Hi and bye. Recovery is slow. Writing here helps me. Doesn’t help anyone else but right now I have to live in each moment to find and run with it till it’s over. Destroy, rebuild. Destroy, rebuild.
I need guidance, something familiar. I need distance, something Instant.