Part 1

Wow I can’t believe it’s been four years. 2015 was blessing year for me. I learnt about love. I learnt about choice. I learnt about the little things. Yeah okay I knew this before but feeling it again with you was refreshing. A revival of my soul. Something I left behind in a previous relationship.

I remember our first meet that year. I was a little nervous because I didn’t know if expectations would outweigh the reality, but it didn’t. Reality outweighed expectations. We spoke for hours about little things. Had moments of laughter. I knew you were into me by the way you looked into my eyes. It wasn’t just to engage in conversation but genuine interest in everything I had to say. I was the same to you.

Deeper into the night the clock ticked so we went back to the flat. I was nervous the whole walk there because I didn’t know what your intentions were. Was it just a drink? Talking more in-depth about life and what’s next to come? To play a game? Was it to get closer to me? A million other thoughts also entered but I knew I wanted to spend more minutes with you so I complied to your request. I knew this was the start of something genuine. So did you.

Heart

We take for granted what we have. Then it goes. we noticed. We feel shit for taking it for granted. We now are forced to live without it. We watch it be noticed elsewhere and appreciated. Then we are left with two options. But sometimes it’s best to let it be. Be happy with what you have and not what you had. You can’t rewrite your history but you can make your present a start for a better tomorrow.

Happiness and scarifies

I’ve only ever grasp short bursts of happiness. Nothing concrete. Nothing everlasting. Nothing I can say yeah this makes me happy and it’s mine and I’ll never be without it. That goes for material things like cars. They make you happy to begin with but the novelty wears off pretty quick and they do eventually breakdown. Friendships. Friends have their own lives to live and lead separate pathways and make newer friends they’ll see more along the journey they’re on. Relationships. They work a little like friends. You try to fit yourself into each other’s lives but if your paths lead you in different locations you’ll never work it out. Life can be such a challenge that one person has to make scarifies just to make it work with the people they love. For example if someone’s journey was to travel for a couple of years a relationship wouldn’t work unless the partner travelled with them. But a friendship wouldn’t end because of travelling. Moving away to a different town, city or even country for work means in a relationship that the other would have to do the same for it to work out. Life sucks when it throws in decisions that cause divisions. How heartbreaking it is for two people that love each other to be separated because of their dreams. How chasing dreams can destroys so much. But I know that for experience I’ll give up my dreams time and time again to have a full healthy relationship making someone else’s day and dreams come true. And at the same time I find that mad. Other people’s happiness triumphs my own.

Worthless

What is my worth? I’m confident I have none. Confident I deserve some. Because I have no self worth I believe it’s replicated in how others see me. I’m currently always craving attention but not actively seeking it. I don’t want something new because I always fall back into my past. The strongest bond conquer the newer ones. I guess I’m scared because I’m vulnerable. I don’t wanna upset anyone or end up hurting anyone. I put others before myself and I can’t but myself first. The real question is.. is there anyone out there who’ll actually be in love with me, not hurt me, give a shit just as much as I will them when the time comes? I’m not worried about finding someone right now. I need to find myself first. Just I feel I won’t ever be in love again because first I have to love myself and I can’t love myself.

Unsure

“An upgrade is not someone who looks better than your last. An upgrade is someone who treats, appreciates and values you more than your last.”

“I’ve been treated like a second option by a lot of people I treated as a priority.”

Two posts I’ve shared recently. I don’t know why but I guess inside something has made me. I don’t like being fucked up. Not knowing why I’m fucked up. Or if I’m actually fucked up. I recognise I need change. Anyone got 20p?

#

Sadness! What are you? Why are you a constant in my life? Like that irritating little cousin you only see at family gatherings that tugs on your arm to ask a million questions with no real answer. Are you a a reminder that I can’t have what I want? Are you a reminder that I’m living in the shadows of a life I once already had? I need the answers to understand. I need the answers to process and grow from it. Waking up with no real reason for being sad makes me more sad. What are you protecting me from brain? I’m a big boy I can take the shit. I can take anything you throw at me. I’ve been through enough to be played by you too. Tell me why I’m like this? Tell me why I feel this? Talk to me! Please! I’m on my knees mentally.

Chemical Imbalance

It’s not easy to separate the good days from the bad. There’s a fine line between the things (or people) that make you happiest beyond belief are also the ones that make you feel the saddest from time to time. The connection or “deep bonds” we make with one another change over time. We either continue growing at the same, one of us slows down or we stop growing altogether. The hardest one to process is one the where you continue growing and they stop altogether. For example when you have a best friend who you make all these plans with and see it through and suddenly out of nowhere or warning they don’t want to do anything with you anymore. You’re left hurt, confused and a little broken. It’s the same with relationships. You can continue loving them but they start to love somebody else. In love it’s a little more harder if it’s real love. Because you notice the love you had received change and move away from you to another person. You can claw your way at their feet drawing specs of blood trying to hold on as they walk towards the arms of another. Knowing you must to let them go. When you (or they) don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. It’s sucks. Especially when months down the line you see posts of them and their new love smiling and truly happy. You may see them in the distance when out one day being all cute together confirming that what you saw on social media is real. It stings but it’s worth it because you know that they are happier now. You go home, lay on your bed and feel defeated. You wish it were you. You wish you were carrying them on your back, dancing around the kitchen or being at the family bbq showing them off because you know how amazing they are and how amazing they make you feel. You download tinder and have a swipe through. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Meh.. yes. No. No. No. you get a match and start talking. It goes well. You’re nervous because you know in your heart you don’t know if you can ever love someone just as much as you have done before. But they’re loving again so you believe you can too. It’s 7:30pm and you arrive on time for your date. There’s a big smile on both your faces as you both notice each other from across the street. The initiation begins with a short hug and a kiss on the cheek. The door opens and are lead to the table by a friendly waiter. Drinks? Sure one won’t hurt would it? The how are yous? and how was your day? begins the evening as the drinks arrive. For the first time in a long while looking into someone’s eyes you notice how engaged they are in you. You see how pretty they really are. You feel warm and your heart skips a beat as they tell you about how they grew up all those years ago. You’re just as interested in them as they are you. The conversation flows for a few hours and before you know it it’s got dark outside and you’ve barely touched your drinks. You put your coats on and decide to walk together continuing the night for as long as you can. After you’re home alone you send and receive messages about how great the night was and you can’t wait to see them again. It’s great you believe you’ve made progress in moving on. Three dates later it’s going great. You kiss each other with a hint of passion. A soft slow kiss that sinks deep into the lungs, pulling at the heart as if it’s clinging on for dear life. A few dates more they’ve got a little deep with you. Fallen hard for you. Can’t imagine not starting a relationship with anyone else but you. You realise that what you feel is still for your past and you know this may be the perfect chance to really move on but when you don’t feel it, youdon’t feel it. It’s heartbreaking to have to say goodbye because you’re not in the right place. You may want to be but the heart wants what it wants. But the heart doesn’t always have to belong to just one person. I know hearts that do. You can truly love a few with the same energy as you’ve love an other before. If you feel that something beautiful is in front of you. Or something remotely right even though your heart is still breaking months down the line for someone else. Isn’t it about time you run with it? Grab something amazing before it slips away and becomes someone else’s? Do we have to punish ourselves because we believe we shouldn’t be happy? Have to wait for them to move on first so it’s okay for us to move on? Life really is too short when you think about it. And love is a chemical imbalance looking to be balanced. Look at what you have and not what you had. The past will hold you back from your future if you let it. Unless you can reunite with your past and grow a future.